Cracks Bring Light

 

When you found her

She wasn’t looking for a hero to save her.

She wasn’t a project in need of repair.

She wasn’t looking for a rock

She had a Jesus

She wasn’t needing direction from you or correction for being her

She was a beautiful mosaic

Put back together after being shattered in a million pieces

Those cracks you see as flaws or imperfections

They are who she is

They represent her strength

The battles she fought and won

The tears she cried

Those cracks allow her light to shine

They allow her to empathize with those in pain

They allow her to be kind

They allow her to shine her love and warmth upon another

They allow her to be her

Those cracks are what make her who she is

Yet you continue to put patches on these cracks

You tell her to be real, to be herself

While you place the patches over her cracks

Trapping her inside.

Each crack you patch you devalue a piece of her

You are telling her that she should feel ashamed and not

Proud that she was able to put all those shattered pieces

Together with His grace and mercy

Do you not see the beauty that someone could shatter

Yet put herself back together and become whole?

That she could use her brokenness to radiate her light into a dark world

Do you not see the strength it would take to give of herself so freely

After working so hard to make herself whole?

To be willing to sacrifice the world she exist in and willing to take her fragileness

To be placed in your hands?

The more patches that are placed over her cracks,

She loses sight of who she has worked so hard to become.

Did her light shine to bright for you?

Did it make you feel undeserving of her?

For each crack you cover,

She loses her light until eventually it is trapped within

No light will escape

She hides in her darkness

Drowning in the sorrow of her tears

She continues to stand for who she is

But you do not hear it behind the desire of you own needs and wants

She continues to scream out as you place patches over who she is

She cries out to you

As she slowly sinks

Yet you just stand there continuing to place patches on what’s left of her cracks

The cracks of her very being, the real her

The weight of the repair starts to become heavy

Your pride and ego become her anchor

The winds of constant change, churn the waters into chaos

The storm rages, reaching to grab on to safety or stability but its no where to be found

And yet you wonder why she can’t just swim

You are taking away her existence

Her value and her worth

You place wordly needs, wants and desires ahead of her

Your pride drowns out her cries

You stand there and watch her sink

Your choices and decisions have become her anchor in the sea of her tears

And as you stand there and watch her sink, screaming for her to swim

She can’t

You patched up her light, her strength, her being

Those patches weigh her down

And she is schakled by the pain and her burning desire to please you

She would rather drown to spend one more moment with you

Than to risk living without you.

This love you show her

Is one that says I love you for that you can become

Just after I put a few more patches here.

The strength she exhibits is a strength you cannot phathom

But dismiss because it is not a reflection of your own.

She gives you her vulnerablilty as she continues to drown

and yet you chose to hide behind your walls protecting your pride.

Do you see her? The beautiful masterpiece she had become?

Or do you let your selfishness and pride push her aside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mr. Fix It

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed her husband also and he praises her, Many woman do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised, honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.  Proverbs 31: 26-31

 

You want to fix her, do you? What shall you fix?

Will you take her soft heart and make it hard?

Will you take her depth and make her shallow?

Will you take her love and make it lust?

Do you not cherish her faithfulness, when cheating has become the norm?

Will you patch the cracks you think are flaws or imperfections?

Will you mold her to what world tells you she should be?

What is it you seek to fix?

Will you change her values into deceit?

Will you turn her honesty and transparency to lies?

Will you take her vulnerability and make it stone?

Will you take the emotions she uses to love you and make her cold?

Instead of building you up and putting you on a pedestal would you rather her devalue you and tear you down?

Will you turn her ability to sacrifice into selfishness?

What do you seek to fix?

She is rare, she is not in need of repair but to be embraced.

Her value is worth more than rubies.

If you are seek to mold her into a woman of the world, please do not.

If the woman you want is what you seek to fix in her

You can find a million without having to put in the effort to repair.

Would you rather a ruby, strong in foundation its form does not change regardless of the pressure? Its value does change based on the hands that holds it, it will always be rare of value.

Or clay that is molded by the world, that constantly changes form trying to constantly be like that of the world? It does not hold form and has no value, its value is only based on that which molds it.

What is it you seek to fix? Why fix something that is not broken?

A ruby is not meant to be molded for it is a treasure, with each attempt to mold it, it begins to shatter.

Clay was meant to be molded, never bold enough to be its own form. It can be whatever you want it to be, but clay can be found anywhere.

 

 

 

Perfectionism and Contentment

How do we define perfection, how do we even know what that looks like?  Is this something that we will ever reach, or when we reach that point we think looks perfect, will it be enough? I have struggled this fight with perfectionism for as long as I can remember.

It has just been recently, I have really sat down to examine the word itself. How can I strive for something I have no idea even what it would look like? I tried to sit down and think if I could be perfect, if my life was perfect, what would that look like?  I have looked back and thought about the goals I had set and the times I had said if I could get to here, then I would be happy, if I could just accomplish this, then I would content. I will use the example of this, I wanted to lose weight, I was done, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, it made me so mad to see that I had allowed myself to get to this point. One day, I remember saying enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore, if I can get down to a size 5, I will be happy and my life will be better. So I cut everything out of my diet, I worked out, I got to a size 5, it wasn’t enough, I got to a size 3 and yet I still looked in the mirror disappointed by the reflection in the mirror. I thought it would make the person I was with at the time love me more, be more proud of me, I thought I would be happy, I thought the size would make all poor body image go away. The problem is, what we are striving for in being perfect and if we had this or did this or if I could just are all reasons we are seeking for a type of perfection or a form of contentment, yet its not a tangible in the way we think.

Is it tangible to be perfect? What is perfect, because everything is really based on perspective and if you are striving to be perfect in another’s eyes, you won’t because we all have different perspectives. What someone else deems as their idea of perfect is not what you deem as perfect and really none of us know what perfect looks like? How many of us thought if we reached a certain job title, a certain status in society, a certain look, a certain body size, etc and once we got their still found that it wasn’t enough.

The only way we can accomplish contentment not perfection is to be comfortable being perfectly flawed and learning to find contentment in all things even our failures. This is a hard thing to swallow and I am still trying to swallow my own message. For years, I had the mentality he would love me more or would never leave or cheat on me if I could just be the perfect wife. Let me tell you where that got me, I worked by butt off to provide for our family, I had two kids and worked a full time job, went to school in hopes I could eventually give my family a better life. I came home to make sure my house was spotless, lived off practically no sleep, I got up hours early each morning to lay out clothes for my now ex husband, make him breakfast, pack him a lunch, start him a shower, wake him up, get kids to school, work all day to move up the career ladder striving for a job title with money, come home, start dinner, get kids to sports practice, find time to work out for the figure I thought would make him love me more or keep him faithful, come home feed the family, do the dishes, clean the house, to be told I don’t do enough, the harder I tried the more discontentment there was. I continued to think okay I will do all that I did today and tomorrow I will add to the list of things he complained about today. This went on for  years and years and guess what I never reached the point of perfection and the expectation just became more and more and more. The lesson in this was that no matter how much I strived to be this perfect mom, perfect wife, successful business person and all at the same time, it didn’t change the outcome of what I thought it would, I was still cheated on over and over again, I was not valued in that persons eyes the way I thought obtaining this perfect image would give me, it didn’t give me satisfaction, I was missing out on life all together and missing the things that were really going to matter later. I was so blinded by this state of perfectionism thinking it would rescue me and prevent me having to face all the things I feared the most, yet it didn’t do any of that. The sad thing about perfectionism is, is that it really isn’t even about us, it’s about what others will think of us and others will perceive us, it’s about being accepted, about being loved, wanted and needed but it truly isn’t because we want that it is what we think it will bring us, the desires of our hearts, the desire of humans is being loved, wanted, and accepted.

Instead it lead to destruction, call it self destruction, call it whatever it may be. I couldn’t maintain the pace, I was exhausted, I was miserable, I had raised the bar so high in my relationship I couldn’t meet the expectations, I failed daily, it became a matter of control for my ex, he knew he could expect more each and every day and I would do it in attempt to do whatever I could to be this perfect image, when I didn’t reach perfect which was never as its not tangible, it became emotionally abusive, I would never be good enough for anyone, I was to fat and ugly no one would ever want me. I was too selfish as I was working long hours to try and provide for my family, go out and be successful but your a piece of crap. It became a vicious crazy cycle. Not only did this affect me but that expectation began of being perfect began to fall on my daughter and son. Maybe it was in my weakness of striving for to be perfect, he began to expect my kids to be perfect instead of being kids which led to them constantly feeling they were a disappointment and couldn’t get it right! I pray every day that they will see me in my new journey to strive to be myself and not acceptance that they will not live their life that way on the future. When you seek perfection to gain the acceptance of another you are giving someone the power to tell you what perfect looks like. You are giving someone to define who you are including your value and your worth. You allowing someone to take away the very core of who you are. You become a robot not a person. When you give someone the power to make you spin around and around knowing that it will never be enough is when you need to take a step back and realize what is it you are really trying to be!

Perfectionism, is trying to be something we are not, it is trying to be what we think other people want us to be, it is us feeling like we have to compete with others for our marriage, our careers, our friendships, our status, whatever it may be. Tangible, I would say not, everyone comes with different talents, different strengths, different views, yet we also all come with weakness, we all come flawed. Yes society has taught us to compete, we compete for job titles, we compete with people who think they will feel better if they can steal the attention away from a married woman or man, because that must mean they are better, we compete to be accepted, to have more possessions that another. Perfectionism, is it really creating and fulfilling the need to be content.

Even after all the hard lessons, the many times I have slammed my face in the dirt, I find myself sitting her trying to obtain that status again, striving for perfectionism and acceptance and being enough. There are days, I can’t even breathe, because I am consumed with the worry of being accepted, of being enough for the one I love. Sadly, it is something that just doesn’t go away and its a lesson that seem to never learn from or it’s just something that is so embedded in human nature that it is sometimes hard to take a step back and stay I will not be subject to this.

Although, the last two years of my life have been quite a struggle adjusting to a whole new world and enough change to last someone a lifetime, there are some valuable lessons I have been able to reflect upon the last few months. This journey has really opened my eyes to a lot and caused me to reflect upon the past as well and how sometimes, we truly don’t learn from our lessons completely and sometimes it takes us repeating the same mistakes or that we sometimes might slight improvements but it takes us a while to actually get to a point where we truly take in the actual message of a lesson.

In the last two years, I have given up a lot of things I thought brought me contentment or that I thought defined me or gave me a sense of worth. These things being my career, my desire to have a job title, how much money I could make, what material things I could purchase. I walked away from every sense of security I had created for myself, why my relationship I walked away from was toxic on every level and a good change to make, I also walked away from a community in where all my roots were, I left family and friends who I didn’t realize gave me so much support. I started over to start with nothing but everything new. Yes, its been a challenge and there are days I don’t even know how I am going make it thru and how I miss so many things of my old life. This town has not been kind, it has actually shown me how cruel the real world can be away from my own little bubble of home.

But I have learned an extremely important life lesson in this, I don’t want to strive to be perfect, I want to strive to be real. I want to be real in so many ways, I want to be raw, I want to be seen for being imperfect, I want to be seen for all my flaws. I want people to accept me not because I meet their definition of perfect, but so they can be inspired by my flaws and complete imperfection. I want to inspire others to dance in the beauty of their weakness, their flaws, their truths, not the façade or their endless disappointing and heart breaking journey to be perfect. I want to strive to be find joy, find peace, find contentment, and that does not come from a job title, what money can buy, it does not come from another person defining you, it comes from the moments when we can be real, be ourselves and in the moments of our true rawness we can spend moments doing the things we truly love and being able to share our true talents not those we think we need to force because it will give us acceptance. I want to strive on the beauty of the moment, seeking the beauty in each day, in the small things, in seeking and pointing out the beauty of others. I want walk in all my imperfections, I want to not let the harsh judgement of others sway me from walking in my imperfect self, I want to strive to be able to encourage others to not waste life seeking something that can’t be reached. We spend so much time trying to impress others or seek approval, we forget to live. I want to strive to embrace the moment, love others for all their flaws, their weakness and let them know they are beautiful and bring so much to this world as they are. If we could all strive to be what we are and not as we think the world wants us to be, there wouldn’t be a lot of bitterness because we would be no longer competing for things that truly don’t matter. We would be living in the moment and enjoying the beauty of now. When we die, we aren’t going to be focused on what we did for a living or who liked us or didn’t. It is going to be the moments of true joy we spent with those we love doing things that makes us soar.

I have learned no matter how hard you try to be accepted, try to be perfect, try to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect anything, you will never. Those who love us will stay with us because they see the beauty of our imperfections, those who love us will be there to pick up and strength us on days we don’t feel it and those who love us will not judge us for being us, making mistakes, being flawed, they will see it as unique. Striving to be a perfect mom, does not mean we will have perfect kids or they won’t make bad choices. Striving to be a perfect wife, does not guarantee a faithful marriage.

So the message is to be you. Strive to be you. The right people will love you just as you are. Strive to be a better you but not be better because you want to be better than another. I want to learn to bravely and boldly be myself in every way, in every day, so I can start enjoying all the moments in life I have been missing out on trying to be something I can never be and striving for something I will never reach. I want to enjoy here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself, the past become a lesson, and enjoy the moment of now, with those I love and inspiring others to dance in their own beauty of imperfection. Love others, for who they and not what you want them to be, love people right where they are. Being kind, love hard, and keep moving forward, enjoy moments, without worrying about being perfect, just learn to be content. I am striving for this!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Rusty

When I was younger I struggled to express myself. I always expressed my hurts, my joy, and hard lessons learned by poetry. It has been a long time since I have written anything along the sorts. My hearts desire was always to be able to use the power of my words and my love for music and being able to combine them into one. Unfortunately, I have never been able to bridge the gap, in high school, I played several instruments and wrote my heart out but never have been able to figure out how to place the music to my words crushing my dreams of being a song writer and using my life experience and emotions to move others in a powerful way. It’s been a long time writing like this and tonight it was on my heart to do so. I am a little rusty but have to start somewhere to go anywhere.

 

He Took Upon the Cross (By Terra Coman)

There will be times in this life

When you feel you can soar,

You can’t wait to see what your future has in store.

There will be in times in this life,

When you can’t stand anymore

You fall to your knees, face down on the floor.

There are doors that will open and those that will close.

Leaving us either breathless  or hopeless.

There will be times when you feel like a warrior

Courageous and strong ready for battle

Or times it becomes more than we can bear

Feeling defeated in our minds and consumed by our fear.

 

There will be tears that fall like rain

Victory in the mountains we  climb

Fear in the valleys was must cross

Just when you think you are lost

Remember, he took it upon the cross

He died there for us.

He opened heavens doors

Keep crying out for more

He pours out his mercy and grace

You will find your place

Surround in His Love

He will never let you fall

 

We all have times when we feel so alone

Wondering our place and why we don’t belong

We all feel hurt and pain,

Crippling us, overcome with fear

Leaving us with nothing to gain

Only to with our guilt and our shame

When you feel that life is a game

When you are sinking in vain.

There are times you can’t take much more

But He’s knocking at the door.

He has so much in store

For you

 

There will be tears that fall like rain

Victory in the mountains we  climb

Fear in the valleys was must cross

Just when you think you are lost

Remember, he took it upon the cross

He died there for us.

He opened heavens doors

Keep crying out for more

He pours out his mercy and grace

You will find your place

Surround in His Love

He will never let fall

Seek the beauty of his face

Feel the warmth of his Grace

Cling to the might of His Mercy

Breath the depths of His Love

Find the Boldness in His Strength

Share the greatness in Forgiveness

Calming peace of of prayer

And the Freedom in Surrender

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Person You See, The Soul You Don’t

She wakes up to face the morning, another night from being broken-hearted. Her cheeks stained with the tears for the pain others inflict, the losses she has faced and the life experiences that have shattered her. Looking in the mirror, wondering how she got to this place. She washes her face, and practicing the smile she knows she needs to project. She looks in the mirror and sees nothing but the ugly words spoken to her, the times she has failed, she sees the challenge she faces every day, her flaws, her weakness and the exhaustion that is draining her soul. She misses the young girl who saw the world as a challenge, who thought they could accomplish anything life threw at them without a fear in the world. The weight of the world continues to crush her soul but  she won’t let the world see her as weak, don’t let others know their words cut like knives, and that how they treat you is poison that robs you of joy. She knows that if they know the power of what they do, it won’t change their hearts but give them power to continue to destroy her.

She wipes away the tears, takes a deep breath, smiles that fake smile, and walks in confidence although each foot step feels unsure and it feels like the ground below her will fall beneath the weight that she carries. She holds her head high, she smiles at every person who walks by, she is kind, she is warm, she puts herself out there as if she has never felt hurt before, who would know the women being the smile. Who would guess the struggles she faces, the hurts she has endured, the pain she has felt, the worthlessness she fights with daily. The soul that wants and yearns to be loved, yet does not want to be crushed by another. She doesn’t want to fight for love, she wants someone to fight for her, she doesn’t want to compete for love, she wants to be loved for the real her. The real her the one no one sees behind the smile. She wants someone to help put her insecurities to rest and reassure her when she feels like the weight of the world is about to make her buckle. She wants someone to hold her up when the weight becomes too much, who will make her feel protected from those that seek to hurt her. She wants to love without reserve, without worry, and without fear. She wants others to see her for the real her, not the shell they see on the outside. Maybe they wouldn’t talk about her, they wouldn’t want to do things to make her feel small, maybe the would see that just like them she faces her own demons, her own struggles and fights a battle with insecurity as well. If they could see her heart, and hear her mind, if they could see her pain and her scars on the outside, they would not even recognize her, they wouldn’t need to feel jealous, they would not feel that desire to make her hurt, they would not feel the need to make her compete for her love, they would see she too is just like them. She just choses to carry the weight differently. She choses to put herself out there, she choses to be vulnerable to others, she choses to smile, she choses to try to walk in confidence although it’s the most uncomfortable thing in the world. She tries to be brave, she tries to be bold and she tries to build others up because she knows what its like to be torn down. She too is human, with wants and needs, with the desire to be loved and accepted and to be good enough just like you.

This is the soul no one sees of a person. People are so self-seeking, self gratifying, and self-serving that they tend to lose the soul of another. They get wrapped up in their wants in needs, their opinions and their thoughts and how they view it, when yet they don’t see how another struggles. What seems pointless or not even logical can be soul crushing for another. They allow that person to crush under the weight of their thoughts and opinions, we tend to push people past their breaking point because we are caught up in how we feel and not for a moment putting ourselves in another’s shoes to see what they feel. We crush people’s spirits, instead of being there to help them rise and helping them face their giants, we allow our opinions and our own needs to get in the way. What we feel is stupid could be a matter of live and death for another. We all our unique, we all fight our own battles, we all have matters of the heart no one can understand, yet we don’t take the time to try to understand, we don’t take the time to empathize with what someone is facing. We go about how we have always lived, blind to the hurt the soul next to us feels, blind to the fact our actions could actually be causing someone else soul unbearable hurt, and making them feel hopeless, pushing them further and further into the dark, making the wonder how they can continue forward when it seems so much easier to give up. We continue to get caught up in how we feel and think about things, we discount their feels, their hurts and their values because they don’t align with ours. We put our needs and wants first. We don’t want to admit our faults, we don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable to another persons hurt, we don’t want to empathize with another, it takes too much energy, it could cause us to be raw and real, it will point our faults, it could be too painful to see that maybe our actions could be causing the hurt. So we just go about our busy lives, doing what we have always done, never thinking twice, and not wanting to be raw and real after all that takes to much courage. Yet that courage could be what makes another person blossom instead of self destruct.

We wonder why the world has become as it has. We have the lost the value of another person soul and life. Another persons happiness and joy. We have lost sight of the things that matter, as long as we are out there to get what we what, when we want it, how we want it and that it brings us our own self-satisfaction, then nothing else seems to matter. When we want attention, we seek it elsewhere, it doesn’t matter if you are married or the other person is married, it is the moment, and you are getting what you want even despite what you know is right or wrong, you want money, you will take and rob another because you are getting what you want. We chose our careers, money, fun, toys, titles, material things over the life of another. We chose to destroy the ones we love because they are not fully meeting our needs so we seek it elsewhere, yet never wanting to put the work and the effort into making it happen right where you need it because that would be too much work and energy when you can easily obtain it elsewhere.

We have all been called to love one another and yet try to love ourselves as well. The things we do to others is not because we love ourselves but because we do not love ourselves. We only seek to serve ourselves. Loving another and being real and raw is to risky because we are not proud of who we are, what we have done, or what we do, so we don’t want to be real. It’s easier to take what is not ours or has not been earned than for anyone to see you for the mistakes you have made. You see people who are kind and giving of themselves freely as weak, yet you are mistaken because it is that which takes true courage, to be real, be raw, share your weakness, admit to your mistakes and still have enough courage to go out and love someone with out limits and at the expense of your own happiness just to turn around and let that person destroy you. Shattered you gather up all the pieces and try again to find that you the same disappointment in it day after day. Remember what things you think might be easy to face and deal with are easy for you but are soul crushing to another. Learn to be kind and compassionate.

After all, you don’t truly know a person soul. Maybe you have allowed someone to share their soul with you but until you can actually take your opinions, your life experiences, your feelings out of it, you will never feel the depth of another’s soul. The only way to truly know the soul of another is to going it to it with the only focus to be is how that person feels and what brings them pain and what brings them joy without the thought of how you would feel or what you would do, how you would deal with it or handle it or saying I don’t see what the big deal is.  Learn empathy. Don’t under-estimate the courage it takes for someone to fight their own battles or to even face the world daily and definitely don’t try to crush them while they are down, it’s not empowering, and it does not make you better than another.

 

 

 

 

Moments of Weakness

Tonight, I am not even sure what my message will be. I am blogging for therapy tonight as for some reason my heart feels so heavy as if its going to burst thru my chest. I have tried so hard to be strong, stand up, be real, be raw, love with all I have but then there are days where I feel exhausted, I feel drained, I don’t want to keep putting myself out there to be crushed over and over again. I am learning that love is a double-edged sword, we all as humans need and crave. It can be the most beautiful thing and the most devastating thing.

Tonight will be a raw moment, I have worked so hard to promote building others up, finding our self-worth and finding our own inner beauty but on the flip side we are human and we can’t feel that way every day. Today is my day to doubt my own inner beauty and worth. It is amazing just how powerful words can be, you can be going about your day and everything seems amazing and then one set of words is spoken and it begins to make you doubt everything you thought to be true for that moment, that day or even for a time period. I know personally I am such a deep soul that I listen to the words spoken as well as how a person projects them, and their body language. This is such a curse. I wish that words didn’t hold so much power, I wish that my mind didn’t analyze every aspect of another. Sadly, a lot of the times I can see what is going to unfold and sometimes thankfully it does not unfold that way. I can see a person, but I don’t see a person, I can see their soul behind the façade, I can’t explain it but most of the time I can. This can be such a curse and yet in the right times a blessing to as I can feel sincere empathy for another struggle, I can personally feel their pain and their hurt and know sometimes what their heart may need, but it is also a curse when you know what may  happen and yet you have to put yourself out there and give someone the power to destroy you.

For the last two years, I have been fighting with this horrible gut wrenching feeling and these thoughts that continue to haunt my dreams and my mind. A lot of the times, I can over think and try to talk over the doubts and the feelings I have but yet one set of words can make my world come crashing down in just a moment that took my months to build. Then it’s back to starting over and over. It feels likes you will never get to far because it won’t last long before your back on knees. Is it my gut that is telling me what will be my future and make me a fool, or is it my fear and past rejections that continue to bring me to my knees. It’s hard when you can see the person better than sometimes they see themselves. Someone who sees you broken yet can’t grasp the faults they have of their own, the words that cut like knives and the doubts that are created by their actions.

I have always tried to love others for what I know they can be at the expense of my own happiness and worth. I have always been self sacrificing and so willing to give up myself until there is nothing left. I can cry myself to sleep at night yet smile and be the rock for someone else. I want to much to live a life where I can not have to doubt my value and worth and to be so comfortable in my own skin and in God’s love that I don’t need affirmation for anyone else, no reassurance and the ability to not let the rejection or worry of not being good enough ever creep back into my mind again.

This journey is not an easy one, and I want to be real, I can project I am strong and have found all my worth and value and see the inner beauty in myself but I am also trying to show that we are human and we have days we just don’t feel strong, we cry, we fall to our knees, we wonder why we put ourselves out there. I know I love hard and with all I have no matter a friendship or a relationship. I believe you give freely of yourself and you do whatever it takes for another person to have complete confidence in you and that person has so much value in my life. I am also learning that just because I love that way does not mean others can love that way.  I know I need to lead by example and put myself out there no matter how exhausting it can be, no matter how scary it can be and no matter how painful it can be. I know I will have days like this that I fill like my journey to love others right where they are at and inspire them to grow and love others fully is draining.

There will be days where I feel like love is like drinking a slow poison and other days it brings so much joy and beauty to my life. I work hard to embrace others for their difference and what they can bring to my world. Yet, I have a hard time embracing those things within me I wish I could perfect. I want so hard to be the best I can be in whatever relationship I enter that sometimes, it makes love so painful, you forget to see where the joy is, you forget to live in the moment, because you are waiting to be crushed. In today’s world, nothing lasts forever.

So even though I can stand strong in courage and inspire on certain days, there are days like today where I just want to cry. I want to know why I have never been able to offer enough, why my best has never just quite cut it and why I struggle to find my own inner courage to keep throwing my heart out there to be devoured by the beast of the world. Tonight, I find myself again wishing I was not a lot of things instead of being proud of the things I am. Good thing, tomorrow is a fresh start.

So for tonight, I will be weak, I will cry, I will wish I was the way I wish I could be without my weakness, I will wish that I could be all the things I will never be because I am not made of that and then when I lay my head, I will pray to God for the clarity to see myself as I am and that God has a reason I am the way I am. That God will take away my feelings of being inadquate because of the doubts the world and those we love place on us and he will show me the beauty of my soul.

Tomorrow will be a new day, today this is the weak me! Struggling to find the beauty in myself and wondering if I will ever be good enough for those I put my heart and soul on the line for. Thank God sees the future and knows my path, I only know that today, I can only cry and pray and thank God for a new day.

 

 

 

The Light On the Hill

” You are the Light of the World. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”  Matthew 5:14-16

Last night was a long sleepless night. This journey has been quite an eye-opening an experience, never have I pondered humanity so much and what makes people tick and why others can be so cold, heartless and self-serving. I have always contemplated my purpose and always wondered what I was intended to do. The last 16 years of my life have been preparing me for just that. God has allowed me to travel thru many paths, allowing me to see all angles of what it is to hurt, what it is to succeed, what it is to fail and what it is to love. Thru many of the struggles, I have always wondered why I still had such a tender heart and why my struggles hadn’t made me bitter or cold but more sensitive and able to empathize.  I always wondered why I could so freely put myself out there and let others hurt me to get back up and do it again.

This last season of my life played out a bit differently, inside, I began to bottle the pain and the judgement and hang my head in shame, my light was burning out and I could no longer be that light, I wasn’t mean or cold, just hurt and it was taking a different grip on me. Instead of standing back up and getting knocked down, I was staying down longer and feeling hopeless and worthless something I really had never experienced before because my faith was always stronger than fear or my doubts. This season, my doubts and fear spoke volumes louder than my faith, the more I tried to grasp it, try harder and wonder why I couldn’t make the change, or why my faith was so weak, I realized, I was going about this the wrong way and this season in my life was meant to refine me for my calling.

This season in my life has taught me that we can’t do anything or fix anything on our own, especially big things, that we need God to shine that light. It has also taught me that sometimes having to go thru these storms can be the most amazing blessing.  Although, I have spent that last two years feeling hopeless wondering why the storm was about to drown me, the growth I have received from it is a priceless gift.

The world has been consumed by darkness, all of us following along because being a light would make us so different. We all have our own hurts, pains and struggles that allow us to make the choice to become bitter, make us angry, make us hate or we could look for the blessing of and the lessons its taught us and how it can make us grow or allow someone else to grow from our trials.

We have become a world where self-serving seems to be the best way to survive in the darkness and not allowing another the opportunity to hurt us seems the easiest way to protect ourselves. We build walls so high that nothing can hurt us or break us down, yet by building these walls in protection of ourselves, we are actually making ourselves prisoners in the walls of our own despair, never allowing light to shine in because that could just be too dangerous. Sadly, the higher the walls, the less light is allowed to shine in and we become consumed by the darkness because that is where we learn to feel comfortable.

Humans were not intended to live in darkness, they were created to feel love, and be loved and give love. The more darkness becomes comfortable our ability to love the way we are intended to love becomes a jaded distorted picture that love is supposed to look like. Love becomes what someone can do for me now and when it no longer serves me I will move on to someone who can do for me what I need and want regardless of how it depletes the other . Love was really meant to serve another without expectation of anything in return. Love was intended to give to someone freely and be self-sacrificing for the growth and smile of another. That is not what the world reflects love to be, it reflects as what’s in for me. We are all striving for the wrong thing but how could we not, no one wants to hurt anymore, no one wants to be rejected especially when as humans we all just crave to be loved and accepted. Being the light in a dark world takes tremendous courage, I am learning that more than ever.

Last night, this thought played over and over in my mind, I thought of a million ways to try to word it but it simply is what it is. To Love or be vulnerable to someone, is like setting yourself on fire, hoping that they will accept you or save you, yet taking the huge risk that they may just watch you burn and never think twice about the courage or strength it took for you to put yourself out there all of you with no walls or barriers and freely give of yourself with no expectations. In today’s world, most people are users, they will take what they can get and walk away, or they will laugh at you and make fun of you for being that different from everyone else or having strong morales or values, they will take your kindness as weakness. Those who try to be the light often feel so defeated that they also just blend into the darkness when they are too tired to keep pushing forward in what seems like a hopeless battle.

We are not supposed to give up and fade into the darkness, we were created to be the light on the hill. We were created to encourage others, love one another and be kind to one another. The path less traveled is always the hardest and not for the weak of heart.t usually the destination it leads to is more beautiful than you imaged and worth the determination and perseverance to get there. Our faith just needs to be nourished and we need always allow it to be bigger than our fears. We can never tire of being the light because God intends us to be the light. We can obtain this by having our faith in him and seeking him when we thing we can no longer keep moving forward, the weight is too much to bear.

I will be honest, I am struggling with this walk daily, it is so hard to put yourself out there for fear of rejection, to be made fun of, or not liked, to be seen different. Yet, I am embracing this because I want to walk in light and although its hard to speak in courage, the feeling is incredible when I can make someone smile, I make someone’s day, I am able to speak words of encouragement for someone who may have needed to hear it that day and it was unexpected for us both. It gives me delight to see God working thru me and in me and I will continue to allow him to do so no matter how uncomfortable this is for me. The reward of making another persons day because I took the risk to burn in front of them  and be real, raw and diffrent makes the risk the rejection, beautiful. The feeling to make another shine or see beauty within themselves or feel encouraged ,if its only 1 in a 100 the rejection of the 99,it becomes worth it.

If we can each take a step forward and try, one person at a time, walls will begin to crack, after a while it is hard to be mean to a person who always is kind and encouraging. If each of us could try and practice this every day, slowly the world might start changing, the light hopefully can start outweighting the dark, we have the power to change the norm. If the world can be transformed by these crazes, why can’t we make kindness, light, encouragment, inner beauty and unselish love be the next world changing craze.

 

 

 

Challenge

This post may end up being a bit long but I want to put a challenge out there to anyone who has the courage to do so. Please read and share this as I really think it is time for us to start making a change. This may offend some and may inspire others. It’s hard to put this out there but I hope I can inspire others.
A few years ago I made some huge life changes, I turned the page in a chapter of my life that had dealt me a lot of pain, betrayal, heart ache and strength. Yet somehow mustered up the courage to move forward, take a risk. What I didn’t know was that wouldn’t be the hardest part of my journey and my climb had just started. I came from a community where I had a lot of roots, amazing friends and family and had an amazing support system I didn’t even know I had until my journey started. I made it through something I never thought I would thanks to the amazing people in my life. At this point, I thought I could face anything, I was strong, I could handle anything thrown at me, I felt accomplished and courageous.
The next part of my journey is where I would stumble. I didn’t know how steep the climb would be and how defeated I would feel at times. I relocated my kids and I to a new town, to start a new chapter in our lives. Within the first few months, things didn’t go as planned but they never do. I had several challenges ahead, adjusting to a completely new life, nothing in my life was the same. Everything had changed. Leaning on the hope that no matter what I had my beautiful amazing kids and the man I had always had a deep connection with by my side. At first, I could still see the top of the mountain, I was climbing, nothing was going to stop me. After all I wanted this more than anything.  Yet the air kept getting thinner, as I try to adjust to a new area, a new life and integrate into a new area.
Over the last two years, I have managed to lose myself in the battle of what people think, how people see me, and how others respond to me. I didn’t know how others treated me or made me feel would drive me to my knees. The mountain I was climbing began to feel impossible and I would lose sight of the mountain top I was striving to reach. Where I used to be able to hold my head high, I began to drop it in defeat as I got dirty looks from people I don’t know, people scanning me up and down and then whispering to the person next to them, people comparing me to others whether I may be an upgrade or a downgrade for the person I had sacrificed my entire world, roots and security to be here. Allowing myself to fall into the comparisons trap as well. Once you get sucked into that it becomes an endless sea of trouble, you will never be good enough. To a point where I started making myself a prisoner in my own home, not wanting to go to the grocery store in the town I live, not wanting to be out in the community I live in, getting anxiety when being introduced to anyone as I was becoming anxious of their reactions. I started hating myself for everything I was not instead of loving myself for everything I strived so hard to be. I couldn’t understand why no one wanted to give me a chance, no one wanted the opportunity to know who I am or what I am about, I was instantly just what they assumed I was. I have let this beat me down over and over for the last two years. I have continued to pick myself up over and over wondering what was wrong with me. I have let it eat any value I felt for myself, making me feel not good enough, I have allowed it to get in the way of who I truly am and have allowed it to make me feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.
It has just been recently when it finally hit me, that no one should have that kind of power over me. We as humans all struggle with some sort of insecurities, we all struggle with different issues. We all have weakness and we all have strengths and that’s what makes us, US. We all have stories to tell and things we are not proud of, we all have shame, we all have hurt, we all have experiences that make us and break us. Yet instead of embracing one another, instead of leaning on one another and building one another, people tend to make someone else uncomfortable, judge or talk about others negatively. I have allowed others to take my worth from me. I am not going to allow myself to fall victim to that anymore. I will walk proud and hold my head high, those who judge me, look me up and down in disgust, I will smile at and be kind to. I will no longer drop my head in defeat, let my anxious heart beat out of my chest when I meet someone new and no longer confine myself to my home because people don’t want to give me a chance or come outside their own comfort zones and really see who I am. All this time, I felt I just have to prove to everyone who I am, yet I don’t have anything to prove, I will let my actions and reactions do my speaking.
Within the last few months, I have a small group of woman who all face different struggles and challenges, each morning we encourage each other in the areas we are weaknesses, we use our strengths to build one another up and help each other to see the best in ourselves, to support areas that makes us have fear, feel hurt, or makes us worry. It makes a big difference.
My challenge to you is this. Build others up, make someone’s day, encourage others to grow, share your weaknesses, share your strengths, your story, your experiences may just help another person who struggles on their journey. Be raw, be real, don’t let your insecurities make you captive and don’t allow them to make someone else feel less than you. It may be a bit out of your comfort zone for a bit to share your stories that bring you shame, bring up past hurts, this is our self-defense to protect ourselves but yet you never know how your self defense may be hurting another. If we work to build each other, we all know no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all don’t like something about ourselves, then maybe we could embrace those things we don’t like and allow our insecurities to not bring out the ugly in all of us. Be a person of courage and strength, of dignity and character and take time to make another’s day by a compliment, a smile, a word of encouragement. Let’s not allow ourselves to get caught in the comparison trap, instead pay that person a compliment, you never know what battles they face or insecurities they have hidden within. Sometimes the ones that appear most confident or the ones whose insecurites scream so loud. I know everyone has this within them it just that its outside some of our boxes or comfort zones.
We all are unique and all possess our own beauty. I know they say that beauty comes from ashes, over the last two years I would have said it doesn’t you just remain ash but over the last few weeks I have come to realize, it is at our weakest that we see things the clearest and it makes us humble. I will rise from these ashes and use these experiences in my life to make others feel good about themselves, offer them love and support, those who glare at me and make me uncomfortable I will repay with a kind compliment. Be kind, point out the beauty and good in everyone, after all its all about perspective. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn. Two years to grasp it. After all beauty is truly reflected on the inside, you will never know ones true beauty till you take the opportunity to see their soul and not judge someone by their outside reflection.
Thank you to those who have always loved me, encouraged me, supported me, believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. You are people of courage, strength and beauty. Continue to share that with the world, we all could use the reminder.

Comparison Trap

I have never been a fan of facebook in fact I dislike it incredibly but have felt I need to share these things to heal from my own struggles and hurts and move on. Facebook shows our best moments but does it show our worst moments, our flaws? We all have flaws, no one is perfect, and we all to some degree hid behind a facade. My hope is if I can be courageous enough to share my weakness, my flaws, and my hard lessons that have cost me happiness, then hopefully I will encourage others to be honest with themselves and others and quit trying to impress others by a facade of perfectism, It does not exist. Lately my quest has been learning to be comfortable in my own skin, how many of us can truly say that. I cannot! This is a growing thing for me, to show I am human. I never knew how hard it would be vulnerable to the public. Let’s learn to be real, flaws and all. If we can all learn this maybe we can change the perception of beauty from being superficial to a much deeper depth of beauty we all possess which includes not being perfect and being able to accept our faults and weakness so we don’t hid them but can grow from them and from others instead of belittle another. Judge me if you must.
Comparison Trap: How many of us have falling into the trap? Well, all of us have, its human nature. We all have fallen into this at some time or another, whether it’s been with another person, someone’s lifestyle, someone’s life etc. Ask yourself this, have you ever won? If you say yes, don’t fool yourself, this trap does not have a win-win, you will never win at this. If you think you have won, were you comparing yourself to what you see and assume? or by what is in a person’s heart and soul or behind their closed doors? Even if you are in a better place, you are not better, you have not learned to be humble. If we compare with what we see which usually is what the comparison trap is based off, it’s never a fair comparison. It will eat you alive, rot you from the inside out, make you bitter, make you feel not good enough, you will eventually lose sight of who you are and what things you have right here and now that you should be grateful for. What we see on the outside is from our perspective only. A person’s soul you will never see unless you seek the opportunity to know that person, what makes them tick, their strengths, their weakness’s, their flaws, their experiences, and what has shaped their lives. After all, we were all born beautiful but not the type of beautiful you see from the outside but what you see from the inside. We are not upgrades or downgrades, better or lower, we are all people with feelings, passions, hurts and regrets. Some of us allow our experiences, pasts, hurts and regrets, to eat away at the beauty we were all born with and become bitter and ugly but that doesn’t make anyone better or less. If we are able to find our own beauty within, it is our jobs to share that with those who have become bitter and ugly within, help them find the light they once had and lost, after all we have all had our dark moments. It is not our job to judge or treat others unkindly regardless of how they treat us. We are to be kind, loving, caring, and be an example of true inner beauty no matter how ugly the world can be. Don’t compare your life or yourself to anyone else, you will never win, you will become bitter and ugly as you will always find that someone somewhere has something you do not but there are also others who are doing the same thing in what they see in you. Embrace you for you, not what others think, say or make you feel after all that is from their perspective and they don’t know what’s in your heart and soul. Change their perspective by being you even when they try to break you. I have one fallen victim to this comparison, I have learned the hard way. I have felt the hurt it so deeply inflicts upon ones soul and how it can bring the ugly out without even seeing it till you have so much hurt you can’t seem to move as you are paralyzed in the fear of “never being enough” and feeling hopeless. Well we are all enough, we just have to be willing to embrace that, no one can take that from you unless you give them the power to do so, because people’s judgement and perception is just that, powerless.
You are in control of your life, if you don’t like something about your life, work to change it all the while being grateful for where you are at and how far you have come. The change you want to see in your life will not happen overnight, it may be months, years, decades, but do not lose hope, just push forward and strive to change those things, celebrate the little steps and lessons learned. Life is not meant to be easy, life is hard, find those things in life that bring you joy and hold them dearly, embrace that you are not perfect, and you have the power to change the things you want to change and cherish the things you love about you. Don’t let anyone take those things away from you even someone’s path or values conflict with it. If it’s important and a unique quality you possess, embrace it.
Whatever you do, don’t ever fall into the comparison trap, it’s a lonely hopeless world and it’s a game you will never win. Embrace everyone for their differences, their flaws, their strengths, their weakness, their mistakes, their lessons learned, their knowledge, their hope, their ugliness (after all we all have a little bit of that too). Never wish you were someone else or had someone else life, it’s never as we perceive and unless you know the depths of someone’s heart and soul it will never be a true comparison. We all have room for the growth, compassion, love, humbleness, grace and forgiveness. Don’t steal someone’s happiness because you can’t find yours instead try to learn something from that person, after all they just might be the light you asked for.

Choices

Choices?
Don’t think that I don’t see what you are doing, don’t think I dont understand your intent, don’t think for one second that I am naive. Just know that I see it all and can see it with much clarity.
I could chose to react the same way, be rude, say things to make you feel little, demean you, or make you want to crawl out of your skin. I could chose to make you feel how you make me feel or I can choose to see that you also have beauty in that ugliness, I can chose to hold my head high, be kind, be humble, and shine even when you try to make me feel less. I can rise as you try to knock me down.
I chose the second. I will smile when you are mean, I will be kind even as you take your best shot. I will chose to find the beauty within you even when you are showing me the ugly side of your heart. I will chose to shine, somedays I may not shine as bright and begin to dim, but I will always burn. Do not mistake this as a weakness, it is a strength, don’t mistake it as being stupid and not seeing the big picture. I am not naive, I have been through things you will never know or can imagine that has allowed me to read a person, know their behaviors, know exactly what to expect, it is how I had to survive, trust me, I am no fool.
I chose to build others up. It gives me joy to see that people smile, I love seeing a woman confident in their own skin in the true beauty kind of way where they make everyone around them feel beautiful and feel happy. That is true beauty and confidence. A strong woman inspires other woman to be the best they can be and shines for them when they have been knocked down and helps them up. A strong woman never looks down on another woman unless they are helping them up.
I chose to be strong! I will use your bitterness, your rude comments and your assumed judgement of who I am as the fuel of my soul to show you that I am strong and I will use it to shine back a light in which maybe you can learn the beauty of buildings others up, instead of tearing them down for your own delight because you yourself have insecurities like the rest of us.
I encourage everyone to give it a try. It’s not easy, in fact it is very hard, but it is the most rewarding and you have the opportunity to give someone a gift of true compassion, love, and beauty 🙂 You will set the standard for allowing everyone to be unique and beautiful in who they really are.