Tonight, I am not even sure what my message will be. I am blogging for therapy tonight as for some reason my heart feels so heavy as if its going to burst thru my chest. I have tried so hard to be strong, stand up, be real, be raw, love with all I have but then there are days where I feel exhausted, I feel drained, I don’t want to keep putting myself out there to be crushed over and over again. I am learning that love is a double-edged sword, we all as humans need and crave. It can be the most beautiful thing and the most devastating thing.
Tonight will be a raw moment, I have worked so hard to promote building others up, finding our self-worth and finding our own inner beauty but on the flip side we are human and we can’t feel that way every day. Today is my day to doubt my own inner beauty and worth. It is amazing just how powerful words can be, you can be going about your day and everything seems amazing and then one set of words is spoken and it begins to make you doubt everything you thought to be true for that moment, that day or even for a time period. I know personally I am such a deep soul that I listen to the words spoken as well as how a person projects them, and their body language. This is such a curse. I wish that words didn’t hold so much power, I wish that my mind didn’t analyze every aspect of another. Sadly, a lot of the times I can see what is going to unfold and sometimes thankfully it does not unfold that way. I can see a person, but I don’t see a person, I can see their soul behind the façade, I can’t explain it but most of the time I can. This can be such a curse and yet in the right times a blessing to as I can feel sincere empathy for another struggle, I can personally feel their pain and their hurt and know sometimes what their heart may need, but it is also a curse when you know what may happen and yet you have to put yourself out there and give someone the power to destroy you.
For the last two years, I have been fighting with this horrible gut wrenching feeling and these thoughts that continue to haunt my dreams and my mind. A lot of the times, I can over think and try to talk over the doubts and the feelings I have but yet one set of words can make my world come crashing down in just a moment that took my months to build. Then it’s back to starting over and over. It feels likes you will never get to far because it won’t last long before your back on knees. Is it my gut that is telling me what will be my future and make me a fool, or is it my fear and past rejections that continue to bring me to my knees. It’s hard when you can see the person better than sometimes they see themselves. Someone who sees you broken yet can’t grasp the faults they have of their own, the words that cut like knives and the doubts that are created by their actions.
I have always tried to love others for what I know they can be at the expense of my own happiness and worth. I have always been self sacrificing and so willing to give up myself until there is nothing left. I can cry myself to sleep at night yet smile and be the rock for someone else. I want to much to live a life where I can not have to doubt my value and worth and to be so comfortable in my own skin and in God’s love that I don’t need affirmation for anyone else, no reassurance and the ability to not let the rejection or worry of not being good enough ever creep back into my mind again.
This journey is not an easy one, and I want to be real, I can project I am strong and have found all my worth and value and see the inner beauty in myself but I am also trying to show that we are human and we have days we just don’t feel strong, we cry, we fall to our knees, we wonder why we put ourselves out there. I know I love hard and with all I have no matter a friendship or a relationship. I believe you give freely of yourself and you do whatever it takes for another person to have complete confidence in you and that person has so much value in my life. I am also learning that just because I love that way does not mean others can love that way. I know I need to lead by example and put myself out there no matter how exhausting it can be, no matter how scary it can be and no matter how painful it can be. I know I will have days like this that I fill like my journey to love others right where they are at and inspire them to grow and love others fully is draining.
There will be days where I feel like love is like drinking a slow poison and other days it brings so much joy and beauty to my life. I work hard to embrace others for their difference and what they can bring to my world. Yet, I have a hard time embracing those things within me I wish I could perfect. I want so hard to be the best I can be in whatever relationship I enter that sometimes, it makes love so painful, you forget to see where the joy is, you forget to live in the moment, because you are waiting to be crushed. In today’s world, nothing lasts forever.
So even though I can stand strong in courage and inspire on certain days, there are days like today where I just want to cry. I want to know why I have never been able to offer enough, why my best has never just quite cut it and why I struggle to find my own inner courage to keep throwing my heart out there to be devoured by the beast of the world. Tonight, I find myself again wishing I was not a lot of things instead of being proud of the things I am. Good thing, tomorrow is a fresh start.
So for tonight, I will be weak, I will cry, I will wish I was the way I wish I could be without my weakness, I will wish that I could be all the things I will never be because I am not made of that and then when I lay my head, I will pray to God for the clarity to see myself as I am and that God has a reason I am the way I am. That God will take away my feelings of being inadquate because of the doubts the world and those we love place on us and he will show me the beauty of my soul.
Tomorrow will be a new day, today this is the weak me! Struggling to find the beauty in myself and wondering if I will ever be good enough for those I put my heart and soul on the line for. Thank God sees the future and knows my path, I only know that today, I can only cry and pray and thank God for a new day.