Cracks Bring Light

 

When you found her

She wasn’t looking for a hero to save her.

She wasn’t a project in need of repair.

She wasn’t looking for a rock

She had a Jesus

She wasn’t needing direction from you or correction for being her

She was a beautiful mosaic

Put back together after being shattered in a million pieces

Those cracks you see as flaws or imperfections

They are who she is

They represent her strength

The battles she fought and won

The tears she cried

Those cracks allow her light to shine

They allow her to empathize with those in pain

They allow her to be kind

They allow her to shine her love and warmth upon another

They allow her to be her

Those cracks are what make her who she is

Yet you continue to put patches on these cracks

You tell her to be real, to be herself

While you place the patches over her cracks

Trapping her inside.

Each crack you patch you devalue a piece of her

You are telling her that she should feel ashamed and not

Proud that she was able to put all those shattered pieces

Together with His grace and mercy

Do you not see the beauty that someone could shatter

Yet put herself back together and become whole?

That she could use her brokenness to radiate her light into a dark world

Do you not see the strength it would take to give of herself so freely

After working so hard to make herself whole?

To be willing to sacrifice the world she exist in and willing to take her fragileness

To be placed in your hands?

The more patches that are placed over her cracks,

She loses sight of who she has worked so hard to become.

Did her light shine to bright for you?

Did it make you feel undeserving of her?

For each crack you cover,

She loses her light until eventually it is trapped within

No light will escape

She hides in her darkness

Drowning in the sorrow of her tears

She continues to stand for who she is

But you do not hear it behind the desire of you own needs and wants

She continues to scream out as you place patches over who she is

She cries out to you

As she slowly sinks

Yet you just stand there continuing to place patches on what’s left of her cracks

The cracks of her very being, the real her

The weight of the repair starts to become heavy

Your pride and ego become her anchor

The winds of constant change, churn the waters into chaos

The storm rages, reaching to grab on to safety or stability but its no where to be found

And yet you wonder why she can’t just swim

You are taking away her existence

Her value and her worth

You place wordly needs, wants and desires ahead of her

Your pride drowns out her cries

You stand there and watch her sink

Your choices and decisions have become her anchor in the sea of her tears

And as you stand there and watch her sink, screaming for her to swim

She can’t

You patched up her light, her strength, her being

Those patches weigh her down

And she is schakled by the pain and her burning desire to please you

She would rather drown to spend one more moment with you

Than to risk living without you.

This love you show her

Is one that says I love you for that you can become

Just after I put a few more patches here.

The strength she exhibits is a strength you cannot phathom

But dismiss because it is not a reflection of your own.

She gives you her vulnerablilty as she continues to drown

and yet you chose to hide behind your walls protecting your pride.

Do you see her? The beautiful masterpiece she had become?

Or do you let your selfishness and pride push her aside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mr. Fix It

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed her husband also and he praises her, Many woman do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised, honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.  Proverbs 31: 26-31

 

You want to fix her, do you? What shall you fix?

Will you take her soft heart and make it hard?

Will you take her depth and make her shallow?

Will you take her love and make it lust?

Do you not cherish her faithfulness, when cheating has become the norm?

Will you patch the cracks you think are flaws or imperfections?

Will you mold her to what world tells you she should be?

What is it you seek to fix?

Will you change her values into deceit?

Will you turn her honesty and transparency to lies?

Will you take her vulnerability and make it stone?

Will you take the emotions she uses to love you and make her cold?

Instead of building you up and putting you on a pedestal would you rather her devalue you and tear you down?

Will you turn her ability to sacrifice into selfishness?

What do you seek to fix?

She is rare, she is not in need of repair but to be embraced.

Her value is worth more than rubies.

If you are seek to mold her into a woman of the world, please do not.

If the woman you want is what you seek to fix in her

You can find a million without having to put in the effort to repair.

Would you rather a ruby, strong in foundation its form does not change regardless of the pressure? Its value does change based on the hands that holds it, it will always be rare of value.

Or clay that is molded by the world, that constantly changes form trying to constantly be like that of the world? It does not hold form and has no value, its value is only based on that which molds it.

What is it you seek to fix? Why fix something that is not broken?

A ruby is not meant to be molded for it is a treasure, with each attempt to mold it, it begins to shatter.

Clay was meant to be molded, never bold enough to be its own form. It can be whatever you want it to be, but clay can be found anywhere.

 

 

 

Perfectionism and Contentment

How do we define perfection, how do we even know what that looks like?  Is this something that we will ever reach, or when we reach that point we think looks perfect, will it be enough? I have struggled this fight with perfectionism for as long as I can remember.

It has just been recently, I have really sat down to examine the word itself. How can I strive for something I have no idea even what it would look like? I tried to sit down and think if I could be perfect, if my life was perfect, what would that look like?  I have looked back and thought about the goals I had set and the times I had said if I could get to here, then I would be happy, if I could just accomplish this, then I would content. I will use the example of this, I wanted to lose weight, I was done, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, it made me so mad to see that I had allowed myself to get to this point. One day, I remember saying enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore, if I can get down to a size 5, I will be happy and my life will be better. So I cut everything out of my diet, I worked out, I got to a size 5, it wasn’t enough, I got to a size 3 and yet I still looked in the mirror disappointed by the reflection in the mirror. I thought it would make the person I was with at the time love me more, be more proud of me, I thought I would be happy, I thought the size would make all poor body image go away. The problem is, what we are striving for in being perfect and if we had this or did this or if I could just are all reasons we are seeking for a type of perfection or a form of contentment, yet its not a tangible in the way we think.

Is it tangible to be perfect? What is perfect, because everything is really based on perspective and if you are striving to be perfect in another’s eyes, you won’t because we all have different perspectives. What someone else deems as their idea of perfect is not what you deem as perfect and really none of us know what perfect looks like? How many of us thought if we reached a certain job title, a certain status in society, a certain look, a certain body size, etc and once we got their still found that it wasn’t enough.

The only way we can accomplish contentment not perfection is to be comfortable being perfectly flawed and learning to find contentment in all things even our failures. This is a hard thing to swallow and I am still trying to swallow my own message. For years, I had the mentality he would love me more or would never leave or cheat on me if I could just be the perfect wife. Let me tell you where that got me, I worked by butt off to provide for our family, I had two kids and worked a full time job, went to school in hopes I could eventually give my family a better life. I came home to make sure my house was spotless, lived off practically no sleep, I got up hours early each morning to lay out clothes for my now ex husband, make him breakfast, pack him a lunch, start him a shower, wake him up, get kids to school, work all day to move up the career ladder striving for a job title with money, come home, start dinner, get kids to sports practice, find time to work out for the figure I thought would make him love me more or keep him faithful, come home feed the family, do the dishes, clean the house, to be told I don’t do enough, the harder I tried the more discontentment there was. I continued to think okay I will do all that I did today and tomorrow I will add to the list of things he complained about today. This went on for  years and years and guess what I never reached the point of perfection and the expectation just became more and more and more. The lesson in this was that no matter how much I strived to be this perfect mom, perfect wife, successful business person and all at the same time, it didn’t change the outcome of what I thought it would, I was still cheated on over and over again, I was not valued in that persons eyes the way I thought obtaining this perfect image would give me, it didn’t give me satisfaction, I was missing out on life all together and missing the things that were really going to matter later. I was so blinded by this state of perfectionism thinking it would rescue me and prevent me having to face all the things I feared the most, yet it didn’t do any of that. The sad thing about perfectionism is, is that it really isn’t even about us, it’s about what others will think of us and others will perceive us, it’s about being accepted, about being loved, wanted and needed but it truly isn’t because we want that it is what we think it will bring us, the desires of our hearts, the desire of humans is being loved, wanted, and accepted.

Instead it lead to destruction, call it self destruction, call it whatever it may be. I couldn’t maintain the pace, I was exhausted, I was miserable, I had raised the bar so high in my relationship I couldn’t meet the expectations, I failed daily, it became a matter of control for my ex, he knew he could expect more each and every day and I would do it in attempt to do whatever I could to be this perfect image, when I didn’t reach perfect which was never as its not tangible, it became emotionally abusive, I would never be good enough for anyone, I was to fat and ugly no one would ever want me. I was too selfish as I was working long hours to try and provide for my family, go out and be successful but your a piece of crap. It became a vicious crazy cycle. Not only did this affect me but that expectation began of being perfect began to fall on my daughter and son. Maybe it was in my weakness of striving for to be perfect, he began to expect my kids to be perfect instead of being kids which led to them constantly feeling they were a disappointment and couldn’t get it right! I pray every day that they will see me in my new journey to strive to be myself and not acceptance that they will not live their life that way on the future. When you seek perfection to gain the acceptance of another you are giving someone the power to tell you what perfect looks like. You are giving someone to define who you are including your value and your worth. You allowing someone to take away the very core of who you are. You become a robot not a person. When you give someone the power to make you spin around and around knowing that it will never be enough is when you need to take a step back and realize what is it you are really trying to be!

Perfectionism, is trying to be something we are not, it is trying to be what we think other people want us to be, it is us feeling like we have to compete with others for our marriage, our careers, our friendships, our status, whatever it may be. Tangible, I would say not, everyone comes with different talents, different strengths, different views, yet we also all come with weakness, we all come flawed. Yes society has taught us to compete, we compete for job titles, we compete with people who think they will feel better if they can steal the attention away from a married woman or man, because that must mean they are better, we compete to be accepted, to have more possessions that another. Perfectionism, is it really creating and fulfilling the need to be content.

Even after all the hard lessons, the many times I have slammed my face in the dirt, I find myself sitting her trying to obtain that status again, striving for perfectionism and acceptance and being enough. There are days, I can’t even breathe, because I am consumed with the worry of being accepted, of being enough for the one I love. Sadly, it is something that just doesn’t go away and its a lesson that seem to never learn from or it’s just something that is so embedded in human nature that it is sometimes hard to take a step back and stay I will not be subject to this.

Although, the last two years of my life have been quite a struggle adjusting to a whole new world and enough change to last someone a lifetime, there are some valuable lessons I have been able to reflect upon the last few months. This journey has really opened my eyes to a lot and caused me to reflect upon the past as well and how sometimes, we truly don’t learn from our lessons completely and sometimes it takes us repeating the same mistakes or that we sometimes might slight improvements but it takes us a while to actually get to a point where we truly take in the actual message of a lesson.

In the last two years, I have given up a lot of things I thought brought me contentment or that I thought defined me or gave me a sense of worth. These things being my career, my desire to have a job title, how much money I could make, what material things I could purchase. I walked away from every sense of security I had created for myself, why my relationship I walked away from was toxic on every level and a good change to make, I also walked away from a community in where all my roots were, I left family and friends who I didn’t realize gave me so much support. I started over to start with nothing but everything new. Yes, its been a challenge and there are days I don’t even know how I am going make it thru and how I miss so many things of my old life. This town has not been kind, it has actually shown me how cruel the real world can be away from my own little bubble of home.

But I have learned an extremely important life lesson in this, I don’t want to strive to be perfect, I want to strive to be real. I want to be real in so many ways, I want to be raw, I want to be seen for being imperfect, I want to be seen for all my flaws. I want people to accept me not because I meet their definition of perfect, but so they can be inspired by my flaws and complete imperfection. I want to inspire others to dance in the beauty of their weakness, their flaws, their truths, not the façade or their endless disappointing and heart breaking journey to be perfect. I want to strive to be find joy, find peace, find contentment, and that does not come from a job title, what money can buy, it does not come from another person defining you, it comes from the moments when we can be real, be ourselves and in the moments of our true rawness we can spend moments doing the things we truly love and being able to share our true talents not those we think we need to force because it will give us acceptance. I want to strive on the beauty of the moment, seeking the beauty in each day, in the small things, in seeking and pointing out the beauty of others. I want walk in all my imperfections, I want to not let the harsh judgement of others sway me from walking in my imperfect self, I want to strive to be able to encourage others to not waste life seeking something that can’t be reached. We spend so much time trying to impress others or seek approval, we forget to live. I want to strive to embrace the moment, love others for all their flaws, their weakness and let them know they are beautiful and bring so much to this world as they are. If we could all strive to be what we are and not as we think the world wants us to be, there wouldn’t be a lot of bitterness because we would be no longer competing for things that truly don’t matter. We would be living in the moment and enjoying the beauty of now. When we die, we aren’t going to be focused on what we did for a living or who liked us or didn’t. It is going to be the moments of true joy we spent with those we love doing things that makes us soar.

I have learned no matter how hard you try to be accepted, try to be perfect, try to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect anything, you will never. Those who love us will stay with us because they see the beauty of our imperfections, those who love us will be there to pick up and strength us on days we don’t feel it and those who love us will not judge us for being us, making mistakes, being flawed, they will see it as unique. Striving to be a perfect mom, does not mean we will have perfect kids or they won’t make bad choices. Striving to be a perfect wife, does not guarantee a faithful marriage.

So the message is to be you. Strive to be you. The right people will love you just as you are. Strive to be a better you but not be better because you want to be better than another. I want to learn to bravely and boldly be myself in every way, in every day, so I can start enjoying all the moments in life I have been missing out on trying to be something I can never be and striving for something I will never reach. I want to enjoy here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself, the past become a lesson, and enjoy the moment of now, with those I love and inspiring others to dance in their own beauty of imperfection. Love others, for who they and not what you want them to be, love people right where they are. Being kind, love hard, and keep moving forward, enjoy moments, without worrying about being perfect, just learn to be content. I am striving for this!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Rusty

When I was younger I struggled to express myself. I always expressed my hurts, my joy, and hard lessons learned by poetry. It has been a long time since I have written anything along the sorts. My hearts desire was always to be able to use the power of my words and my love for music and being able to combine them into one. Unfortunately, I have never been able to bridge the gap, in high school, I played several instruments and wrote my heart out but never have been able to figure out how to place the music to my words crushing my dreams of being a song writer and using my life experience and emotions to move others in a powerful way. It’s been a long time writing like this and tonight it was on my heart to do so. I am a little rusty but have to start somewhere to go anywhere.

 

He Took Upon the Cross (By Terra Coman)

There will be times in this life

When you feel you can soar,

You can’t wait to see what your future has in store.

There will be in times in this life,

When you can’t stand anymore

You fall to your knees, face down on the floor.

There are doors that will open and those that will close.

Leaving us either breathless  or hopeless.

There will be times when you feel like a warrior

Courageous and strong ready for battle

Or times it becomes more than we can bear

Feeling defeated in our minds and consumed by our fear.

 

There will be tears that fall like rain

Victory in the mountains we  climb

Fear in the valleys was must cross

Just when you think you are lost

Remember, he took it upon the cross

He died there for us.

He opened heavens doors

Keep crying out for more

He pours out his mercy and grace

You will find your place

Surround in His Love

He will never let you fall

 

We all have times when we feel so alone

Wondering our place and why we don’t belong

We all feel hurt and pain,

Crippling us, overcome with fear

Leaving us with nothing to gain

Only to with our guilt and our shame

When you feel that life is a game

When you are sinking in vain.

There are times you can’t take much more

But He’s knocking at the door.

He has so much in store

For you

 

There will be tears that fall like rain

Victory in the mountains we  climb

Fear in the valleys was must cross

Just when you think you are lost

Remember, he took it upon the cross

He died there for us.

He opened heavens doors

Keep crying out for more

He pours out his mercy and grace

You will find your place

Surround in His Love

He will never let fall

Seek the beauty of his face

Feel the warmth of his Grace

Cling to the might of His Mercy

Breath the depths of His Love

Find the Boldness in His Strength

Share the greatness in Forgiveness

Calming peace of of prayer

And the Freedom in Surrender

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Person You See, The Soul You Don’t

She wakes up to face the morning, another night from being broken-hearted. Her cheeks stained with the tears for the pain others inflict, the losses she has faced and the life experiences that have shattered her. Looking in the mirror, wondering how she got to this place. She washes her face, and practicing the smile she knows she needs to project. She looks in the mirror and sees nothing but the ugly words spoken to her, the times she has failed, she sees the challenge she faces every day, her flaws, her weakness and the exhaustion that is draining her soul. She misses the young girl who saw the world as a challenge, who thought they could accomplish anything life threw at them without a fear in the world. The weight of the world continues to crush her soul but  she won’t let the world see her as weak, don’t let others know their words cut like knives, and that how they treat you is poison that robs you of joy. She knows that if they know the power of what they do, it won’t change their hearts but give them power to continue to destroy her.

She wipes away the tears, takes a deep breath, smiles that fake smile, and walks in confidence although each foot step feels unsure and it feels like the ground below her will fall beneath the weight that she carries. She holds her head high, she smiles at every person who walks by, she is kind, she is warm, she puts herself out there as if she has never felt hurt before, who would know the women being the smile. Who would guess the struggles she faces, the hurts she has endured, the pain she has felt, the worthlessness she fights with daily. The soul that wants and yearns to be loved, yet does not want to be crushed by another. She doesn’t want to fight for love, she wants someone to fight for her, she doesn’t want to compete for love, she wants to be loved for the real her. The real her the one no one sees behind the smile. She wants someone to help put her insecurities to rest and reassure her when she feels like the weight of the world is about to make her buckle. She wants someone to hold her up when the weight becomes too much, who will make her feel protected from those that seek to hurt her. She wants to love without reserve, without worry, and without fear. She wants others to see her for the real her, not the shell they see on the outside. Maybe they wouldn’t talk about her, they wouldn’t want to do things to make her feel small, maybe the would see that just like them she faces her own demons, her own struggles and fights a battle with insecurity as well. If they could see her heart, and hear her mind, if they could see her pain and her scars on the outside, they would not even recognize her, they wouldn’t need to feel jealous, they would not feel that desire to make her hurt, they would not feel the need to make her compete for her love, they would see she too is just like them. She just choses to carry the weight differently. She choses to put herself out there, she choses to be vulnerable to others, she choses to smile, she choses to try to walk in confidence although it’s the most uncomfortable thing in the world. She tries to be brave, she tries to be bold and she tries to build others up because she knows what its like to be torn down. She too is human, with wants and needs, with the desire to be loved and accepted and to be good enough just like you.

This is the soul no one sees of a person. People are so self-seeking, self gratifying, and self-serving that they tend to lose the soul of another. They get wrapped up in their wants in needs, their opinions and their thoughts and how they view it, when yet they don’t see how another struggles. What seems pointless or not even logical can be soul crushing for another. They allow that person to crush under the weight of their thoughts and opinions, we tend to push people past their breaking point because we are caught up in how we feel and not for a moment putting ourselves in another’s shoes to see what they feel. We crush people’s spirits, instead of being there to help them rise and helping them face their giants, we allow our opinions and our own needs to get in the way. What we feel is stupid could be a matter of live and death for another. We all our unique, we all fight our own battles, we all have matters of the heart no one can understand, yet we don’t take the time to try to understand, we don’t take the time to empathize with what someone is facing. We go about how we have always lived, blind to the hurt the soul next to us feels, blind to the fact our actions could actually be causing someone else soul unbearable hurt, and making them feel hopeless, pushing them further and further into the dark, making the wonder how they can continue forward when it seems so much easier to give up. We continue to get caught up in how we feel and think about things, we discount their feels, their hurts and their values because they don’t align with ours. We put our needs and wants first. We don’t want to admit our faults, we don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable to another persons hurt, we don’t want to empathize with another, it takes too much energy, it could cause us to be raw and real, it will point our faults, it could be too painful to see that maybe our actions could be causing the hurt. So we just go about our busy lives, doing what we have always done, never thinking twice, and not wanting to be raw and real after all that takes to much courage. Yet that courage could be what makes another person blossom instead of self destruct.

We wonder why the world has become as it has. We have the lost the value of another person soul and life. Another persons happiness and joy. We have lost sight of the things that matter, as long as we are out there to get what we what, when we want it, how we want it and that it brings us our own self-satisfaction, then nothing else seems to matter. When we want attention, we seek it elsewhere, it doesn’t matter if you are married or the other person is married, it is the moment, and you are getting what you want even despite what you know is right or wrong, you want money, you will take and rob another because you are getting what you want. We chose our careers, money, fun, toys, titles, material things over the life of another. We chose to destroy the ones we love because they are not fully meeting our needs so we seek it elsewhere, yet never wanting to put the work and the effort into making it happen right where you need it because that would be too much work and energy when you can easily obtain it elsewhere.

We have all been called to love one another and yet try to love ourselves as well. The things we do to others is not because we love ourselves but because we do not love ourselves. We only seek to serve ourselves. Loving another and being real and raw is to risky because we are not proud of who we are, what we have done, or what we do, so we don’t want to be real. It’s easier to take what is not ours or has not been earned than for anyone to see you for the mistakes you have made. You see people who are kind and giving of themselves freely as weak, yet you are mistaken because it is that which takes true courage, to be real, be raw, share your weakness, admit to your mistakes and still have enough courage to go out and love someone with out limits and at the expense of your own happiness just to turn around and let that person destroy you. Shattered you gather up all the pieces and try again to find that you the same disappointment in it day after day. Remember what things you think might be easy to face and deal with are easy for you but are soul crushing to another. Learn to be kind and compassionate.

After all, you don’t truly know a person soul. Maybe you have allowed someone to share their soul with you but until you can actually take your opinions, your life experiences, your feelings out of it, you will never feel the depth of another’s soul. The only way to truly know the soul of another is to going it to it with the only focus to be is how that person feels and what brings them pain and what brings them joy without the thought of how you would feel or what you would do, how you would deal with it or handle it or saying I don’t see what the big deal is.  Learn empathy. Don’t under-estimate the courage it takes for someone to fight their own battles or to even face the world daily and definitely don’t try to crush them while they are down, it’s not empowering, and it does not make you better than another.

 

 

 

 

Moments of Weakness

Tonight, I am not even sure what my message will be. I am blogging for therapy tonight as for some reason my heart feels so heavy as if its going to burst thru my chest. I have tried so hard to be strong, stand up, be real, be raw, love with all I have but then there are days where I feel exhausted, I feel drained, I don’t want to keep putting myself out there to be crushed over and over again. I am learning that love is a double-edged sword, we all as humans need and crave. It can be the most beautiful thing and the most devastating thing.

Tonight will be a raw moment, I have worked so hard to promote building others up, finding our self-worth and finding our own inner beauty but on the flip side we are human and we can’t feel that way every day. Today is my day to doubt my own inner beauty and worth. It is amazing just how powerful words can be, you can be going about your day and everything seems amazing and then one set of words is spoken and it begins to make you doubt everything you thought to be true for that moment, that day or even for a time period. I know personally I am such a deep soul that I listen to the words spoken as well as how a person projects them, and their body language. This is such a curse. I wish that words didn’t hold so much power, I wish that my mind didn’t analyze every aspect of another. Sadly, a lot of the times I can see what is going to unfold and sometimes thankfully it does not unfold that way. I can see a person, but I don’t see a person, I can see their soul behind the façade, I can’t explain it but most of the time I can. This can be such a curse and yet in the right times a blessing to as I can feel sincere empathy for another struggle, I can personally feel their pain and their hurt and know sometimes what their heart may need, but it is also a curse when you know what may  happen and yet you have to put yourself out there and give someone the power to destroy you.

For the last two years, I have been fighting with this horrible gut wrenching feeling and these thoughts that continue to haunt my dreams and my mind. A lot of the times, I can over think and try to talk over the doubts and the feelings I have but yet one set of words can make my world come crashing down in just a moment that took my months to build. Then it’s back to starting over and over. It feels likes you will never get to far because it won’t last long before your back on knees. Is it my gut that is telling me what will be my future and make me a fool, or is it my fear and past rejections that continue to bring me to my knees. It’s hard when you can see the person better than sometimes they see themselves. Someone who sees you broken yet can’t grasp the faults they have of their own, the words that cut like knives and the doubts that are created by their actions.

I have always tried to love others for what I know they can be at the expense of my own happiness and worth. I have always been self sacrificing and so willing to give up myself until there is nothing left. I can cry myself to sleep at night yet smile and be the rock for someone else. I want to much to live a life where I can not have to doubt my value and worth and to be so comfortable in my own skin and in God’s love that I don’t need affirmation for anyone else, no reassurance and the ability to not let the rejection or worry of not being good enough ever creep back into my mind again.

This journey is not an easy one, and I want to be real, I can project I am strong and have found all my worth and value and see the inner beauty in myself but I am also trying to show that we are human and we have days we just don’t feel strong, we cry, we fall to our knees, we wonder why we put ourselves out there. I know I love hard and with all I have no matter a friendship or a relationship. I believe you give freely of yourself and you do whatever it takes for another person to have complete confidence in you and that person has so much value in my life. I am also learning that just because I love that way does not mean others can love that way.  I know I need to lead by example and put myself out there no matter how exhausting it can be, no matter how scary it can be and no matter how painful it can be. I know I will have days like this that I fill like my journey to love others right where they are at and inspire them to grow and love others fully is draining.

There will be days where I feel like love is like drinking a slow poison and other days it brings so much joy and beauty to my life. I work hard to embrace others for their difference and what they can bring to my world. Yet, I have a hard time embracing those things within me I wish I could perfect. I want so hard to be the best I can be in whatever relationship I enter that sometimes, it makes love so painful, you forget to see where the joy is, you forget to live in the moment, because you are waiting to be crushed. In today’s world, nothing lasts forever.

So even though I can stand strong in courage and inspire on certain days, there are days like today where I just want to cry. I want to know why I have never been able to offer enough, why my best has never just quite cut it and why I struggle to find my own inner courage to keep throwing my heart out there to be devoured by the beast of the world. Tonight, I find myself again wishing I was not a lot of things instead of being proud of the things I am. Good thing, tomorrow is a fresh start.

So for tonight, I will be weak, I will cry, I will wish I was the way I wish I could be without my weakness, I will wish that I could be all the things I will never be because I am not made of that and then when I lay my head, I will pray to God for the clarity to see myself as I am and that God has a reason I am the way I am. That God will take away my feelings of being inadquate because of the doubts the world and those we love place on us and he will show me the beauty of my soul.

Tomorrow will be a new day, today this is the weak me! Struggling to find the beauty in myself and wondering if I will ever be good enough for those I put my heart and soul on the line for. Thank God sees the future and knows my path, I only know that today, I can only cry and pray and thank God for a new day.